Facsimile of Lightheartedness

I am the facsimile of lightheartedness. The gravity of life weighs me down so that I am teetering on the edge of the abyss of unknowing. And so I can let it push me over into insanity or laugh at the absurdity of it all, of it all, of it all. I see it all! In hysterics, not laughing, not joking, but also these things. But hysteria, that is where I live. Don't be fooled! I am not what I seem with my easy-smile and my playful dress. This is all just so pointless! And so it's all I can do to keep each knowing thought contained in my head, the size of the universe, the size of everything, still adds up to nothing. Nothing of inherent value.

For, if our reason for living was anything but chemical, anything but the firing of synapses in just the right way (a music of the mind!), we would have something concrete to tell depressed people and it would make them better. But there's nothing to say. Nothing to do. Just try, and try, to re-wire.

"What are the neurophysiological and neuroanantomical consequences of altered sensory and motor experience? Studies demonstrate the neural assemblies change their firing pattern as a consequence of experience. More importantly, the cortical organization of neural assemblies changed due to experience."

Well, there You have it. The crossroads of hope and nihilism. Yes, cynic! This could be better. Yes, lost soul! There doesn't seem to be any meaning in any of this. But there is the possibility for change...in the plasticity of the human brain! In other words, life is unfair but You can learn to enjoy it...living, dying, these are just other options You have.

From an earlier private journal entry: "It's just like, I could go kill myself, or I could go eat a salad and watch TV, because there's this thing I might want to go to later."