A Defensive Spasm and a Messy Table of Contents

Even as I write this, I feel a pull from within trying to retract each statement as I put them down.

I hesitate. I feel embarrassed, foolishly nostalgic even, for a time, when I didn't care what other people thought of me (but then I didn't care about anything at all).

Why am I fighting the gravity of my inner workings, which demand their privacy?

The egotist in me, would rather I ruminate in solitude, free from any influences which might alter some mystical "natural" course, which he holds on the highest pedestal, because of course my thoughts are so unique (!) and brilliant (!) they should find enlightenment all on their own when and where others have failed for centuries...Well, it's obvious why this voice should be silenced.

Then, what of the shy new girl in my head? Who fears judgement and rejection?

Well, to her I say, in all Your efforts to escape insult, You will have simply escaped notice.

When I was in VA, working for the government, trying to take a safe route, trying to find security in career and conscience, I found a new mantra breeding malaise in my mind: "If You let this life be everything, it will be the end of You." And I knew that it was true.

So I hope this can be my something else. Or part of it. Or the beginning of it. Or What Have You.

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Entries will include not just my thoughts, but thoughts of characters who've been stirring around in there. Please don't hold me to their opinions or conflate my actions with theirs (or anyone else's in my present material life). Some are more similar to me than others. Many are fragments of people who shaped my environment without shaping my mind, and I've found I'm as compelled to explore their psychology as I am my own.

In addition to probing inward, I will set my brain-tentacles to tackle more practical matters as well. In particular, I intend to spend some time explaining scientific phenomena, as I hope to sharpen this skill to bridge the gap between science and the general public.

I want to give an honest glimpse of my mental geography, as squeamish as the effect may be, for both You and me. Therefore, because I strive to leave my thoughts unfiltered, I will label my entries with warnings according to any graphic content they may contain.

Up-dates will be daily (except on weekends, possibly leading to double entries on Sundays?) but brief.